Be alright

"You did well today. So what's with the frown?" He asked, caressing my eyebrows as he did.

"Do you think it's enough?" His expression changed at my question.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean..I know I've done my best, and the upshot is great and all. B-but..I don't know why I felt sorry.." He smiled as he brushed my bangs away from my watery eyes.

"You're thinking about them aren't you? " He lifted my chin up,forcing me to look into his fond eyes. "You're too nice for your own good."

"Am not..."

"Baby listen. You can't please everyone. You can't fit each standards. You can't meet every expectations. But that's alright. Nobody says you have to achieve all that. It's only important that you're satisfied. You know how much efforts you put in, you know what you deserve and after all it's you who gone through all that. So it's only fair fulfilling your own wishes.. Fuck them and what they want from you. As long as my baby is happy, that's all that matters. "

please,notice me

After what seemed like forever, I finally woke up from my sleep,feeling better than before but only with a heavy headache. There's a reason why we're supposed to sleep at night, I guess.

My eyes hurt and felt weird so I blinked my eyes a few times, adjusting the amount of light coming from the window by my bed though I knew it's late in the evening, the sun was about to set and it wasn't that bright.

I rubbed my eyes a few times and then I saw it. 

An image of someone sitting at the edge of the bed.

"Hey." My eyes widened at the familiar voice. And then the image came to life, the man I adored was smiling sweetly at me. I was beyond shocked. I was terrified. What was he doing here?

"Because you were crying yourself to sleep. That's why  I came." He said, reading my thoughts as usual. "Lord. Look at how swollen your eyes are.." He cupped my face with a worried look on his before letting out a small soft but painful "Why?"

"It's not like you don't know." I said,sarcastically. He smirked and nodded. I sighed. "It's so painful." I added,lowering my gaze as I remembered the ache from before. "Why did everything I do go unnoticed by them? Why won't they pay attention when I'm trying? I tried hard. You know how much." I said, holding back tears. I was too tired to cry now. I cried for about an hour before my body finally gave in and I fell asleep. "But each time, they were all unnoticed,wasted. And when I gave up, only then they started to pay attention.Fuck my life. I'm so tired. Maybe I should just leave for everybody's sake."

He frowned. "Stop that." I looked up at him, tears at the corner of my eyes. His face softened. "Don't say such thing."

"I don't know what to do anymore...I just--I want to be appreciated, to be praised, once if not always. Is that too much?" I asked and the first batch of tears dropped. He shifted closer just in time to wipe the second one. I leaned my head onto his chest,sobbing as he stroke my back.

"I was late, I'm so sorry." His voice was so low, it almost came out as a whisper. I shook my head lightly and sat up to look at him. His brows were furrowed, worried and sorry. I smiled. Even if he was there, it's not like things could change."But I noticed everything. And I think you did a great job today."

"I did?" I lifted my one of my eyebrows and he nodded.

" You wanted to cut didn't you? But see. There's no wounds, no scars, not even a scratch. You held back." He said-smiling,lifting my arms. I looked at them and they were clean, no signs of being harmed. "You wanted to runaway, but you didn't. You stayed. No matter how much in pain you were, you stayed. You're so strong. Do you know that? Hm?" He added and lifted my chin so that I was looking at him. His gaze was soft and somehow comforting. "You thought of so many different ways to hurt yourself, to distract the mental pain you felt but you didn't do it. You refrained."  I nodded. I did. I did tell myself no. I did hold myself back. Because I didn't want to torture my body. If I hurt myself the way they did to me, then how am I any different than them? "Exactly." He chuckled, as he read my mind. "And i'm so proud of you. You did so well." He grinned.

"I guess I did." I said, smiling a little.

"Things will get better. I promise." He reached for my hand and intertwined our fingers together. "Just hang on there for a little more. Okay?" He whispered as our eyes met. I nodded. Hopefully I could survive till then.

"Of course you will! You're a strong girl!" 

"Stop reading my mind.."

"Okay but let me take a look at your aching palm. I heard you fell yesterday."

"Yeah right. You heard."

"Hey don't blame me that your thoughts are so loud!"

I'm so fucked up.

Fuck,dude. I think I'm in love with you.

Nonononono this can't be. 

How did it happen? I have no idea.

All I know is that now my stomach do flips and wake the butterflies up everytime we interact. Now I always wanna talk to you, like every single waking time of my day. Now I always think of you. Now I get jealous of the people around you.

Damn it.

Oh shit. This couldn't be.

I can't fall for you. No. That's wrong in so many ways. We're just bestfriends aren't we? Right?

Right.

We were.

But now that you're always on my mind, what are we?

Oh no i'm so fucked up. No way.

I need to shut it off, these feelings-I need to throw it away. I can't fall for you. We promised not to.

But here I am thinking how fun it'll be if I were to spend the rest of my life with you, the people I always know I can seek fun with. My own fucking bestfriend.

That's insane. It's not going to happen no no no.

But what if-

Fuck no.I'm just going to ruin our bond. Love is going to take our  friendship away. No. Never in a million years would I want that to happen.

But what is this. Why am I wanting you so badly?

Oh damn it, i'm so fucked up. This time for real.

Dude. I'm so sorry.

But I think I love you.

Yes. Indeed.

I'm so fucked up

It took 5 seconds,for me to love you.

"Don't sleep yet..." 

"I won't end the call. I'll be here. Just try to sleep. Close your eyes."

"Sing."

"Excuse me?"

"Sing me a lullaby."

"W-what?"

"For once...."

"No."

"I'm sure I'll fall asleep faster and easier if someone sings to me."

"................."

"Please?"

"Umm......Twinkle,twinkle little--NO."

"You're mean."

"Sleep."

"Okay...."

"................"

"Babe?"

"Shh.This is sleep."

"I love you."

"I know, I know. Now sleep will you?"

"And you?"

"What?"

"How about you?"

"Oh Lord, sleep baby sleep!"

"......................"

One...

Two...

Three...

Four...

Five.




"I love you too,silly... Always."

sending January away

I'm sorry mate. I know I should've treated you better but man, I have no idea what's with me these days.

But I swear, I'll just try harder. Things are starting to work out now and I promise they'll get better.
I won't ever let you down again, keep my word.

Sorry for making you suffer. I did a lot of bad things, didn't I? Sorry. But you won't be experiencing it again next year. In fact, you won't ever again.

It's kinda sad to be saying goodbye like this. When you're all exhausted and broken but well, your buddy is already here to replace you. So soon isn't it? I hope I won't give your friends as much trouble. You guys don't deserve this. Sorry for making you went through such hell. I'll welcome you next year, with a bright smile, if God wills it.



With that, I'm sending you away, January.

Farewell.

My one in a million

Hi, my other half.

I don't know if you've ever stumbled across my blog but I'll just pretend that you had and you will again later and read this post.

Without me mentioning your name, I know you'll be able to tell that this is made for you anyway right?

I just wanna thank you.

And I want you to know that I don't wanna lose you.

I don't care so much about anyone else other than my family.  But you are the only exception. Or maybe you are counted as family as well. I've been at my worst, at my lowest and you're there. Enough to give me a reason to fight. As long as you're by my side,I know i'll be fine.

"Ah-my baby is counting on me. I gotta get up on my feet and not be a loser like this.  "

You always say I inspired you in some way but let's be real here. I'm more to a bad influence to your life. but God look at yourself, will you? You are my inspiration. You're the nicest person i've ever met, the most down to Earth, my one in a million.

the only one who knows that a bottle of Pepsi can ease my heart.

the only one who knows how much I love Jiyong and k-hip hop itself.

the only one who knows that I love  Spicy Chicken McDeluxe more than anything else.

the only one who knows when to cheer me up when i'm down.

the only one who knows I need a shoulder just by looking into my eyes.

the only one who knows how childish I can be.

the only one who knows the mature side of me does exist.

the only one who knows how tough time is right now.

the only one who knows my fears and helps me overcome them.

the only one who knows when to back out and when to give me a hand

the only one who knows half of me is music whilst the other half is art.

the only one who knows the right way to appreciate me.


i can go on, showing you how precious you are to me and that would take all the time I've left.

because you're one in a million, my treasure. And i need you. so please stay by my side forever,okay?

Love you.

xx

Gray lies

"Hey." He said as soon as he answered the call. "Sup?"

"How is he doing?" I asked, worried about the condition of the other individual who's with him. I thought I heard him sighed.

"Better." Short. I knew he's offended. I'm always like this. Always impatient to get the things on my mind out of my mouth, never really think about the consequences and then regret about it later. Like now.

"I missed you."Lie. But at least I tried to put out the fire that's burning inside him. He suddenly chuckled. Good or bad sign?

"Liar," Bad sign. He paused,inhaling and exhaling a few times then continued "You missed him." I felt my heart sank.

"We've talked about this" This is how it has always started. "We even promised not to talk about this again, Jackson."

" Just admit it will you?! That you're in love with him and not me!" Sounds of things smashed and broken came soon after a frustrated scream. A slammed of a door a few minutes later. Then a sob before a loud"Say something!!"

"What do you want me to say?" He didn't answer. The crying started to increase in volume and intensity.  "Jackson. What do you want to hear from me?"

"Tell me I was wrong." He was not. "That you didn't love him." I do. "That you love me." I didn't. "Prove me that I was wrong about this." I couldn't.

Because he was right.

"You're wrong." You're right. "I didn't love him." I really love him. "I love you." I don't love you. "It has been 2 years and it's still you." It has never been you from the start. "Is that good enough?"

"I-I love you too..So please..He's my best friend." His voice was pathetic.

"I know."

"Don't fall for him...Please.."  He was desperate.

"Okay. I won't."


And this is how it has always ended.  

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



"I heard"

"It's like a  monthly thing now,you know."

"The room was a mess."

"Thank you."

"What?"

"You cleaned them up,right?"

"Yeah. Felt like i'm a part of this."

"You're not."

"It's because of me."

"But it's not your fault."

"This is crazy..."

"I love you."

"And I love him."

Good job,baby

You’ve grown a lot. You’ve grown so much stronger. Good job,baby.

Today, you didn’t cry when you got your shots. Instead you laughed.  “That tickles.” You said. Tickles? You used to bruise my arms because it hurt so much. But not today. Today it’s no big deal.  Good job, baby.

Today, you didn’t refuse your lunch. After weeks you finally ate something nutritious.  It wasn’t a lot and I saw how hard it was for you to swallow. But you tried your best and you succeeded around 12 spoons? I’m so proud of you. Good job, baby.

Today, you didn’t shut your visitors out. You let everyone in. You even called some of our friends to tell them you’re doing alright. In fact you’re doing really great. I know it’s tiring wasn’t it? People wanted to ask questions, but you wanted to rest. Nonetheless you answered almost everything. It made them happy. It made me happy. Good job, baby.

Today, you didn’t say no when I asked you if you wanna  go to the hospital’s park.  You breathed some fresh air and smiled so much my eyes got teary. It’s been so long.  You even talked to other patients there. Telling them “I’ll get out of here soon. I’ll recover.” Yes. Of course you will. You’re the strongest person i’ve ever met. Good job, baby.

Today, you didn’t throw your medicines into the bin. You took them, swallow them and no you didn’t throw up later. You didn’t shout at the nurses anymore. You smiled.  Good job,baby.

Today, you didn’t cry at all. You were so bright and full of hope like you’re gonna get discharged tomorrow. We didn’t know the results yet but they seemed to not matter that much to you. You were so excited about leaving. You were so happy today. Good job,baby.

Today, you didn’t stay up anymore. You slept. You didn’t complain about how tired you were and how your body wouldn’t let you sleep. You didn’t stay awake for hours and hours, whining like always. Today for the first time in weeks you finally could sleep like everyone. I bet being a good girl was tiring, wasn’t it? Good job,baby.

Today, you woke me up as always. But not with light touches and kisses. But with a loud scream of pain and a hard squeeze on my shoulder. I opened my eyes and found you breathless and sweating on the bed. You groaned and your face showed me how much it’s killing you inside. Your right hand left my shoulder to hold your burning stomach while the other was grabbing a fistful of the sheets. It scared me. Not you. But the fact that I might lose you right that moment. The doctors came in soon after and they shoved me out. You know how much i didn’t want to leave your side. You know how much I wanted to take away the pain you’re feeling. You know I love you right baby?

A few minutes later, the screaming stopped. It must be over now.  Good job, baby.


I rushed inside to see you. I wanted to see you. I missed you already.  But they all turned at me with a weird face. The face when the doctor first told us about your cancer. A specky came to me, pat my back and started explaining, apologizing. What he said, were all blurry until I saw one of them covering you with the sheets. Then all the pieces started to fit in together and there you were on the bed, motionless. Even your chest stopped moving up and down for oxygen.

---


You’ve been fighting for years. Good job,baby.

Now rest in peace.  

melayu durhaka

"Why don't you write in malay?"

"My bahasa is bad."

"Heh. Are you saying that your english is good?"

"No. I'm saying that my bahasa is worse."

trash talk

"i'm not going to learn how to cook."

"okay."

"you can't make me do it."

"okay."

"i'm going to wake up late every morning."

"okay."

"and i want you to make me breakfast."

"okay.wait-WHAT? what am i to you? your slave?"

"the person I love, that I wish is kind enough to cook me some breakfast."

"we'll get a maid"

"no. i want YOU to cook."

"no."

"why?"

"i don't want to."

"then should we starve ourselves to death?"

"i'll feed you McDs."

"every single day?"

"yeah."

"do you have the money?"

"yes."

"how many?"

"why are you doing this to me?"

"are you rich?"

"i will be."

"will?"

"i'm still working on it."

"i think we'll be homeless."

"look, all you have to do is eat."

"and gain weight?"

"fat is cute"

"and live unhealthily?"

"and then we die together."

"you bastard."

"your lover"

"shut up"