Free Lines Arrow

Dec 25, 2015

weirdo inside out

i hate it when people point out how i couldnt do this, do that, wouldnt do this, do that.

if i could,i would.

if i could get out of this house and find a job, without feeling anxious and nervous, i would. it's just something I COULD NOT DO.

im afraid of meeting people, im afraid of things that dont happen yet and maybe wont even happen but yeah im scared. and i cant make that feeling stop no matter how much i try. it's not something i can choose not to feel.

 I can wake up everyday and say "lets not be a loser today" but  it doesnt mean the feelings will stop haunting me. IT JUST HAPPENS WITHOUT MY DESIRE.

im scared of making mistakes, being rejected, dealing with people's emotions, im scared things wont work out the way i wanted them to, what if something bad happens, what if they hate me, what if this and that. i know how it makes no sense that i overthink things that havent even happen but that's just the way it is.

about getting a job while im waiting for my results, it's been haunting me for weeks that i may not be able to do it properly like all my friends do because of my excessive overthinking. and it pressures me when most of them are already working when im still figuring out how to shut this little girl inside me up.

for you people, maybe its just a first-time kinda nervous but for me it's not. i can be doing it everyday and still have the same feeling. e.g: i've been going to school for years but still feel anxious and afraid about it every single day like the first day i came to school when i was 7.

i have no idea how to explain this and im having a really hard time trying to make the people around me understand. it's kinda like a mental illness(?) i dont dare to diagnose myself tho so i cant actually say the exact type of illness but yeah. it suck.

i know that i have to fight myself but weh,its not as easy as it sounds. i've been fighting for so long,constantly pushing and forcing myself to be stronger but well, some times are harder than the others.

im feeling really sorry towards my parents tho. i feel so bad everytime i need to ask 'em for some cash. but like i said earlier, if i could, God knows i would. and i feel even worse that i could not gather enough courage to come out and talk to them about it and maybe get myself treated or something but goodness. im so scared of being judged....................WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME SERIOUSLY.

im even ashamed to admit that im this much of a coward but i got nowhere else to let it out.

(Naeil's Cantabile)

i actually cried my eyes out when i watched this scene. it's the most comforting words i've ever heard and i guess it was something that i was longing to hear from anyone.

i wish they do understand me

p/s:this is actually why i wrote a post called anxiety exit earlier this month.