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Feb 16, 2016

please,notice me

After what seemed like forever, I finally woke up from my sleep,feeling better than before but only with a heavy headache. There's a reason why we're supposed to sleep at night, I guess.

My eyes hurt and felt weird so I blinked my eyes a few times, adjusting the amount of light coming from the window by my bed though I knew it's late in the evening, the sun was about to set and it wasn't that bright.

I rubbed my eyes a few times and then I saw it. 

An image of someone sitting at the edge of the bed.

"Hey." My eyes widened at the familiar voice. And then the image came to life, the man I adored was smiling sweetly at me. I was beyond shocked. I was terrified. What was he doing here?

"Because you were crying yourself to sleep. That's why  I came." He said, reading my thoughts as usual. "Lord. Look at how swollen your eyes are..He cupped my face with a worried look on his before letting out a small soft but painful "Why?"

"It's not like you don't know." I said,sarcastically. He smirked and nodded. I sighed. "It's so painful." I added,lowering my gaze as I remembered the ache from before. "Why did everything I do go unnoticed by them? Why won't they pay attention when I'm trying? I tried hard. You know how much." I said, holding back tears. I was too tired to cry now. I cried for about an hour before my body finally gave in and I fell asleep. "But each time, they were all unnoticed,wasted. And when I gave up, only then they started to pay attention.Fuck my life. I'm so tired. Maybe I should just leave for everybody's sake."

He frowned. "Stop that." I looked up at him, tears at the corner of my eyes. His face softened. "Don't say such thing."

"I don't know what to do anymore...I just--I want to be appreciated, to be praised, once if not always. Is that too much?" I asked and the first batch of tears dropped. He shifted closer just in time to wipe the second one. I leaned my head onto his chest,sobbing as he stroke my back.

"I was late, I'm so sorry." His voice was so low, it almost came out as a whisper. I shook my head lightly and sat up to look at him. His brows were furrowed, worried and sorry. I smiled. Even if he was there, it's not like things could change."But I noticed everything. And I think you did a great job today."

"I did?" I lifted my one of my eyebrows and he nodded.

" You wanted to cut didn't you? But see. There's no wounds, no scars, not even a scratch. You held back." He said-smiling,lifting my arms. I looked at them and they were clean, no signs of being harmed. "You wanted to runaway, but you didn't. You stayed. No matter how much in pain you were, you stayed. You're so strong. Do you know that? Hm?" He added and lifted my chin so that I was looking at him. His gaze was soft and somehow comforting. "You thought of so many different ways to hurt yourself, to distract the mental pain you felt but you didn't do it. You refrained."  I nodded. I did. I did tell myself no. I did hold myself back. Because I didn't want to torture my body. If I hurt myself the way they did to me, then how am I any different than them? "Exactly." He chuckled, as he read my mind. "And i'm so proud of you. You did so well." He grinned.

"I guess I did." I said, smiling a little.

"Things will get better. I promise." He reached for my hand and intertwined our fingers together. "Just hang on there for a little more. Okay?" He whispered as our eyes met. I nodded. Hopefully I could survive till then.

"Of course you will! You're a strong girl!" 

"Stop reading my mind.."

"Okay but let me take a look at your aching palm. I heard you fell yesterday."

"Yeah right. You heard."

"Hey don't blame me that your thoughts are so loud!"